Week #3-Mormon Week-The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints

We were excited for the Sunday when we would walk in and everyone would know we were intruders among the believers.  That Sunday came early, and unexpectedly not in the form of us attending Sri Venkateswara Lotus Temple, but at church #3 The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, you guessed it (or read my facebook post) we went Mormon,  for one major and one minor reason.  Minor reason: a Mormon could seriously be president of this United States…Major reason: Brian’s 2009 Halloween costume. 

Like most Americans who do not live in Utah or open their door to strangers, my knowledge of the Mormon faith comes largely from the always judicious Trey Parker and Matt Stone.  If you lack even this basic background on the faith, you have two choices before you proceed with this blog:  If you are wealthy, well connected and frequent Midtown Manhattan, you can catch Trey and Matt’s acclaimed Broadway production The Book of Mormon.  If not, take 22 minutes and watch Season 7 Episode 12 of South Park, the Mormon episode.  http://www.southparkstudios.com/full-episodes/s07e12-all-about-mormons (Side note some knowledge can also be gleaned from the 1997 cinematic masterpiece Orgazmo).

Ok, now that you are up to speed, I will not need to spend the next 10,000 words describing the logical and grounded history and belief’s of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints (LDS)- I believe this is their official name, or at least what they put on the sign in front so the uneducated Evangelicals don’t know to judge them as “non-Christians” when they drive by in their Chevy Suburbans with their “Gun Control Means Using Both Hands” and “Welcome to America Now Speak English” bumper stickers .  For those of you who haven’t taken the time to watch South Park, skipping the common knowledge, here are some random facts about Mormanism that I knew going in: 

•   Mormons are in fact Christians, yup that means they believe in the same Jesus that you do
•  Mormons do not drink coffee, tea or alcohol (I too abstained from coffee before the service, not particularly out of reverence, but because our stupid orange cat literally knocked my coffee off of the end table this morning onto the carpet and after cleaning up that mess I was kinda over coffee and that cat)
•  The individual churches don’t have websites, they all direct you to the main LDS site
• They believe in contemporary prophets- that there are prophets alive today with us
• They do believe that Jesus stopped somewhere in the American Midwest prior to his ascension into heaven - and why wouldn’t he, there are great state fairs with fried Oreo’s, its where Balki from Mypo’s settled on the show Perfect Strangers, and is home to the world’s largest mall
•  Mormon men do not have more than one wife, well none that I’ve met.
• They are all crazy nice

Armed with that information and about 17 additional minutes of web surfing, we dove right in to week #3.  Thankfully, in that 17 minutes I stumbled on a site mentioning that you can “wear any modest clothes you are comfortable in to a service, but most women wear skirts and most men shirts and ties”.  Good thing because we soon discovered that if you want to be “comfortable” you better have a tie and a skirt below your knees.  I, however, do not own a skirt that goes below my knees for two reasons: I’m barely 5 feet tall and it simply is not a flattering look for my body type, and well, I’m not a Mormon.  We phoned in our modestly just enough to past muster, and the first couple to greet us were none the wiser, even asking us what “ward” we were from.  A “ward” is kinda like a group of churches I mean “meeting houses” the local “wards” make up the “stake” which is like a diocese I guess.  Oh, did I mention the Mormons also apparently have their own language.  Brian is in sales so he breezed right through that conversation.  I see why people get into this religion too, the people are really, really nice.  I mean who wouldn’t want to be around insanely nice people, Brian was eating it up.  Only a judgmental cynic would be uncomfortable here, needless to say, I was eyeing the exits. 

So the actual service was interesting.  There was a minor validation of one factoid I read.  Apparently the church can volunteer random members for random service projects. Today one young couple was volunteered for something (not sure what) and the congregation was asked to affirm (scratch that “manifest”) their assignment.  We raised our hands and said “manifest away” – we’ll never be here again so they can’t mandate that we do anything.

 The hymns were soft and akin to any traditional Christian religion.  It was our first week without a megatron TV, actually there were no icons at all, no stained glassed windows and no paintings on the wall, there wasn’t even a cross at the altar, nothing but a ficus.  The order was also different than most other Christian services (thankfully there was a program this time so we knew that from the onset).  After just two hymns, we were on to communion….I know already!?  However, there was no communion line or even background music, instead 6 blonde 12 year-old boys delivered it aisle by aisle in metal baskets surrounded only by the sound of crying babies. (Mormons believe in the whole family worshiping together, so no baby cry room, and they have lots of babies so apparently no concern for the ears of one time church crashers either). 

So after we all ate some Jesus, and I thought we were about to move to the next phase, the boys returned to the altar and came back ready to distribute the “symbolic” blood of Christ.  I say symbolic because I’m sure there were no mini-shot glasses of holy water at the Last Supper.  I should have guessed that there would not be wine, but part of me was still hoping.  In the end, I think the line system is a bit more efficient, but the mini-shot glasses were definitely more hygienic.  Brian also preferred the torn up wheat bread to the traditional Styrofoam wafers (sparing me from hearing that these should be BBQ flavored).  Actually, I’m not sure who tore up that bread so I may take back the hygienic comment.

After communion, we moved on to some more hymns and the speakers.  There were 3 different members who spoke as appose to the traditional one preacher.  I loved that, actually the whole service was very inclusive of many members which was awesome.  The first two speakers were even women (actually the first was a 11ish year-old girl).  They spoke on the weekly topic and their experience with Jesus, it was emotional and beautiful, but the weekly topic brought you right back to the fact that this was a Mormon church.  This week’s topic was “the pre-existence” and our “pre-mortal lives”.  What?! you say… Mormons believe in a life preceding our existence on earth.  Mormons call this the “pre-existence,” “pre-earth-life,” or “pre-mortal existence.” Before we were born on the earth, we lived in the presence of our Heavenly Father as His spirit children. In this pre-mortal existence, we attended a council with Heavenly Father’s other spirit children. At that council, Heavenly Father presented His great plan of happiness or the “Plan of Salvation, which was ratified by all of us.”

So yeah, that is what the speakers talked about, different, but interesting.  All three read from a pre-written paper, but I’m not sure if that was a function of public speaking skills or tradition.  I will say that 11-year-old girl has quite a future ahead of her, and the second women spoke of a very difficult situation that her beliefs got her through, and it was touching and I watered up.  The last speaker apparently left a D1 soccer scholarship to do his mission, I guess that was meant to be touching too, but all I was thinking is that I would cry too if I left an opportunity like that to ride a bike around Deltona, FL for 2 years getting doors slammed in my face. 

Oh so that was only hour #1 of 3, and that is all we had in us.  The next two hours were Sunday school followed by Woman’s Relief Society (which I gather does good for society).  Thankfully a few members also left at that point, but the welcome committee did invite us to stay.  It was like that episode of The Office at Pam and Jim’s kid’s baptism when Michael is enamored by the niceness and energy of the people at the church that he decides to jump on the missionary bus.  I see why people believe and want to be a part of this, regardless of what modern archeologists or historians have to say.   

Week #2 Mega Church – Northland – A Church Distributed Longwood, FL

Do not fear, mom, Stephanie B. and the 6 other people who read week #1 of one church a week!  We didn’t forget, and I normally don’t quit hobbies for at least 3 weeks (unless the hobby requires a capital investment of some sort, such as golf clubs or a road bike) those I normally quit in about 4 days.  However, you’re in luck because church hopping and blogging are free*, so week number 2 of our exploration into religion in America, game on! I was just visiting Florida over the weekend and didn’t have time to transform scribble on the back of a church bulletin into semi-coherent blog babble until now.

There are several things you typically do when in Florida: check in with your parole officer to ensure you’re in full compliance with Megan’s Law, wear flip flops to work, drive 5 below the speed limit in the left lane, tattoo a dolphin on your ankle, vote republican even if you’re Spanish and spend your Sunday morning in a church twice the size of a football stadium.  I only did the last one.

Week #2 Mega Church – Northland – A Church Distributed Longwood, FL

There were a few major reasons I chose Northland: it was about half a mile from where I was staying, the pastor is continually named one of the most influential people in Orlando and the church is located literally across the street from the dog track, on Dog Track Road no less.  No joke, the address is 530 DOG TRACK ROAD.  To your right: khaki pants, collared polos, plush theater seating and a full band with Lady Gaga quality production and lighting joyfully singing praise to the Lord.  To your left (I can only assume)  folding chairs, several cans of Natural Ice, receding hairlines, sweat pants and a morning wondering how you made such poor decisions after high school.  For my Orlando readers, please note these directions are coming from State Road 1792, Northland is on the right.

Nothing spells I’m ready for church like a night of drinking Champagne out of a red Solo cup, playing beer pong on a dining room table and a 1am stop at Mohammed's...or was it Jose’s hot dog cart.  So despite my ambitious plans to make it to the 9am service, I rolled in promptly at 10:59, and the army of walkie-talkie clad parking officials proceeded to direct me through the paved parking, past the gravel parking to grass parking annex Yellow 7.  On the drive, I did, however, pass my new favorite church parking lot, one you would never see at a Catholic church: “single parent parking.”  I guess the Catholics have single mother parking too, it is located anywhere except the family driveway because your disgraceful behavior has embarrassed us all. 

Speaking of Catholics, I must insert week #1’s correction, brought to you by my brother’s mother-in-law whose husband is a Catholic Deacon.  I mistakenly alluded to the fact that Catholics have organs and Methodists have pianos.  Turns out that Catholics also have pianos.  But the only music I remembered from my childhood Catholic church prompted my Dad’s weekly joke that the organist should take her mittens off before she played…The music was pretty bad, maybe even as bad as that joke, every week. 

So Northland…once inside, I found the first available aisle seat, to allow for an early departure (missing the 9am in favor of pancakes, coffee and Motrin put me behind schedule and I had family to visit). I then texted Brian the picture below: (Brian who by the way sat at home in Virginia watching football instead of going to church).

He immediately texted back “shut up, are you at a football game or a rock concert right now?”…literally, I swear on all that is holy, 4 seconds later I was at the latter.  The lights dimmed, the strobes came on and I spent the next 35 minutes at the best Christian rock concert I’ve ever been to, well the only Christian rock concert I’ve ever been to, but it was good.  I can see why people drive from Jacksonville to attend these services.  It is like a free concert every week.  Actually, I take that back, prior to the band the word “tithing” was mentioned several times.  For those of you non-believers “tithing” is giving one tenth of one's income to a religious group.  So in realty, Northland would actually be the most expensive concert series you’ll ever attend. 

The music was fantastic, but I’d been there for a solid 45 minutes, and I was not really sure where we were in the agenda.  Was it all singing with some reading thrown in? Was there going to be a sermon at some point, a group prayer maybe?  I didn’t want to miss anything good, but I had some leaving early to do.  There was no way I was about to battle that post-church rush, and I needed time to fire up google maps if I planned to navigate back to my car. 

The Methodists at least gave us a program with an itinerary, and every Catholic knows how to leave early.  (After communion, you just follow the line, keep your head down and when you pass your pew keep walking straight for the door.  The Mass is pretty much over at that point anyway, and I’m sure the priest understands that you have your purse with you because you are worried about pick pockets and your coat is on because it is cold.)

Regardless, I know when to cut out of a Catholic church, and I had no clue here.  The singing had given way to the lead guitarist interjecting some bible verses followed by more singing.  The kind people get into, arms in the air and everything.  Finally the sermon, I wasn’t sure how long it would last or if there was anything scheduled after, but I was glad for the familiar. I knew it was the pastor because his name was prominently displayed on the drive-in sized screen behind the stage (there was no altar, only a stage and stage props and Mezzanine seating).

I was a bit skeptical going in, I’m still not sold on religions that are younger than I am (or even close).  And Northland appeared to be one of those non-denominational churches. Their mission is pretty much just to bring people to Christ…lots of people, close to 15,000.   This was the South, this was a mega church, two things that do not scream open mindedness.  But Northland’s pastor, Dr. Joel C. Hunter, has made a solid effort, focusing on social justice, environmental issues and even working with the Obama administration.  There was still a general feeling that if you don’t believe in Jesus you’ll have a less than comfortable eternity, but the preaching was pretty good.  Well the first 3/4 of it was pretty good, that is all the longer I lasted.  I figured an hour was long enough. If I had a program, or idea of the typical length, or even the sacrament of holy communion, I may have stayed longer, but I had places to be and no real idea how long we'd be there.  People were still coming into the building, and that was not a good sign for my post-church plans.  Granted they could have still been trekking in from parking lot 9 Purple.    

In summary, if you plan to attend Northland, get there early, or bring a doll or small stuffed animal to pass as a single parent, block off about 76 minutes and 55 seconds (I can only assume all the services are precisely that length), and get ready for a 50/50 blend of Christian rock and bible based preaching, and if that’s not your thing, just cross the street and put your money on Santa’s Little Helper. 

*we do always contribute to the collection.  I’ve explained to Brian that Jesus does not need a coupon for two for one at Lee’s Drycleaners or a free blooming onion with the purchase of an entree, so we typically give cash.  

Week #1 Floris United Methodist Church, Herndon, VA

We did it! We made it to church…once, um yay!? Brian was up and pressing his church pants before I even got back from the gym.  Not sure what led to the enthusiasm, perhaps the pressure of the 4 friends/family members who actually read our fist blog post, committing us to at least a half-ass effort at this.  Or perhaps it was that we chose an 11am service, and it was literally too late to sleep any more.  Or maybe it was the fact that Denver made it to the playoffs, and every 4^th quarter win Tebow pulls off seems to bring Brian one step closer to accepting Jesus Christ as his personal savior.  Regardless of why, we went; and our only real hesitation was what to wear.  Apart from the annual family Christmas trip, my last service was a Unitarian one, and I swear the lady next to me wore sweat pants, and apparently Brian’s last trip was to his friend Dre's church so he was contemplating a three piece red suit with matching red shoes.  In the end, we went business casual, and it was a good call.

OK Floris Methodist you’ve got your preverbal $h!T  together! (good thing I showered and didn’t wear sweat pants) Don’t believe me? check out their website, friend them on Facebook, follow them on Twitter or watch the podcast of today’s sermon (it was an enthusiast, relatable, albeit lengthy, look at forgiveness) http://florisumc.org/.  These folks know how to run a business, I mean church.  They have a “lost sheep” program; members sign in every week and if you’re out for more than 3 weeks in a row they give you a call  as a “reminder that your Floris family is thinking about you.”  Now that is a quality CRM in practice. They draw in hundreds of worshipers each service and apparently $200,000 in collection feta on Christmas Eve alone.  I ran a charity, do you have any idea how hard it is to get 200K in 24 hours? Impressive! Impressive, with good reason.

We had a feeling this was a good church.  I guess the first sign was the rented Fairfax county officer required to direct traffic before and after the service.  In the Church world I think this is one step below having your own traffic light, and you know what, that might just be a sign you are too big.  Floris, however, offered all of the amenities of a Southern mega church sans the weird cult vibe. 

They opened with a bell choir, chiming beautifully.  Then the kids came up for their, I don’t know…kids choir thing.  Highlighted by: child in bowtie, child in dad’s tie, and our favorite, child who spent the first half of the song turned around watching himself on the large projection screen behind the alter (oh did I mention there were large projection screens, two!) and the second half realizing that if he yelled into the microphone he would be the loudest one on the big screen.  Awesome!

Did you know that Methodists have alter girls? They do (I’m sure the profession is not gender exclusive, but today they were girls), they also say the Lord’s Prayer, and bonus (as appose to Catholicism) they had a piano not an organ, they spent 90% of the service communicating a relatable message, there was no excessive kneeling, the pastor wore a regular suit (probably a 42 regular when he should have worn a 40), but no robe, oh and best of all 1 of the 3 pastors was a chick.   All that and no one asked me to be “saved”. For the record there was about 4 minutes of optional kneeling; it was actually quite moving. Also for the record I was already saved in 1995 when a non-denomination church set up a fair at my high school and you had to be saved in order to participate in the sumo wrestling, the good kind with the giant suits, it was amazing. 

Overall, it was an excellent use of an hour and 15 minutes of our time.

Brian, post church still in his church pants and studying his own “bible” (the boGo ads at Harris Teeter).  I meant to take a picture at every church, but forgot until we got to the grocery store. Oh well there is always next week.

Selecting a Church

Wow, selecting the first church is a big decision.  It could make or break this whole exercise.  I need to ensure it is interesting enough to write about, entertaining enough to make Brian go to church for 51 more weeks and exciting enough to make me wake up and shower before 11am on a Sunday…Ahhhh this is a major decision, way too much pressure… I chose the same time tested research method that got me through undergrad and grad school…Google.com search:  “Church 20171” (our zip code) and we’re going to the first one on the list: Floris United Methodist Church, Herndon, VA

If nothing else, we should find it OK (it’s huge and we drive by it just about every day), we shouldn’t be late because we could literally walk there, and we should blend in better than we would at the second one on the list 워싱톤 한인 장로 교회 (박성일 목사) Korean Church)…

Why One Church A Week?

So my husband, Brian, and I wanted to start a random regular project for the New Year.  I wanted to do something meaningful that I could potentially write about and he wanted to… basically quit our jobs and spend our life savings traveling the world for a year.  Compromise, we decided to each make a list of 10 possible ideas, have dinner a few days before 2012 and pick the best idea.  In the end, our lists had 3 things in common: they were not complete until Jan 2, both included “drink 365 different beers”, and neither of us could come up with more than 9 ideas.

So the winner and subject of this blog (for at a minimum one week) drum roll… we’re going to a different church every week!

As two super non- religious, Catholic- raised realists this should be at least different. This is not an attempt to find a home church or to find Jesus or Krishna or even inner piece, but simply an exploration into religion in America (well parts of America that are close to where we happen to be on a given Sunday).  I have a deep respect and value for all religious traditions, except the ones that promote any anti-gay or anti-Muslim or anti-…shit, this might not be the most open minded exploration…but whatever… Here goes: