Week #2 Mega Church – Northland – A Church Distributed Longwood, FL

Do not fear, mom, Stephanie B. and the 6 other people who read week #1 of one church a week!  We didn’t forget, and I normally don’t quit hobbies for at least 3 weeks (unless the hobby requires a capital investment of some sort, such as golf clubs or a road bike) those I normally quit in about 4 days.  However, you’re in luck because church hopping and blogging are free*, so week number 2 of our exploration into religion in America, game on! I was just visiting Florida over the weekend and didn’t have time to transform scribble on the back of a church bulletin into semi-coherent blog babble until now.

There are several things you typically do when in Florida: check in with your parole officer to ensure you’re in full compliance with Megan’s Law, wear flip flops to work, drive 5 below the speed limit in the left lane, tattoo a dolphin on your ankle, vote republican even if you’re Spanish and spend your Sunday morning in a church twice the size of a football stadium.  I only did the last one.

Week #2 Mega Church – Northland – A Church Distributed Longwood, FL

There were a few major reasons I chose Northland: it was about half a mile from where I was staying, the pastor is continually named one of the most influential people in Orlando and the church is located literally across the street from the dog track, on Dog Track Road no less.  No joke, the address is 530 DOG TRACK ROAD.  To your right: khaki pants, collared polos, plush theater seating and a full band with Lady Gaga quality production and lighting joyfully singing praise to the Lord.  To your left (I can only assume)  folding chairs, several cans of Natural Ice, receding hairlines, sweat pants and a morning wondering how you made such poor decisions after high school.  For my Orlando readers, please note these directions are coming from State Road 1792, Northland is on the right.

Nothing spells I’m ready for church like a night of drinking Champagne out of a red Solo cup, playing beer pong on a dining room table and a 1am stop at Mohammed's...or was it Jose’s hot dog cart.  So despite my ambitious plans to make it to the 9am service, I rolled in promptly at 10:59, and the army of walkie-talkie clad parking officials proceeded to direct me through the paved parking, past the gravel parking to grass parking annex Yellow 7.  On the drive, I did, however, pass my new favorite church parking lot, one you would never see at a Catholic church: “single parent parking.”  I guess the Catholics have single mother parking too, it is located anywhere except the family driveway because your disgraceful behavior has embarrassed us all. 

Speaking of Catholics, I must insert week #1’s correction, brought to you by my brother’s mother-in-law whose husband is a Catholic Deacon.  I mistakenly alluded to the fact that Catholics have organs and Methodists have pianos.  Turns out that Catholics also have pianos.  But the only music I remembered from my childhood Catholic church prompted my Dad’s weekly joke that the organist should take her mittens off before she played…The music was pretty bad, maybe even as bad as that joke, every week. 

So Northland…once inside, I found the first available aisle seat, to allow for an early departure (missing the 9am in favor of pancakes, coffee and Motrin put me behind schedule and I had family to visit). I then texted Brian the picture below: (Brian who by the way sat at home in Virginia watching football instead of going to church).

He immediately texted back “shut up, are you at a football game or a rock concert right now?”…literally, I swear on all that is holy, 4 seconds later I was at the latter.  The lights dimmed, the strobes came on and I spent the next 35 minutes at the best Christian rock concert I’ve ever been to, well the only Christian rock concert I’ve ever been to, but it was good.  I can see why people drive from Jacksonville to attend these services.  It is like a free concert every week.  Actually, I take that back, prior to the band the word “tithing” was mentioned several times.  For those of you non-believers “tithing” is giving one tenth of one's income to a religious group.  So in realty, Northland would actually be the most expensive concert series you’ll ever attend. 

The music was fantastic, but I’d been there for a solid 45 minutes, and I was not really sure where we were in the agenda.  Was it all singing with some reading thrown in? Was there going to be a sermon at some point, a group prayer maybe?  I didn’t want to miss anything good, but I had some leaving early to do.  There was no way I was about to battle that post-church rush, and I needed time to fire up google maps if I planned to navigate back to my car. 

The Methodists at least gave us a program with an itinerary, and every Catholic knows how to leave early.  (After communion, you just follow the line, keep your head down and when you pass your pew keep walking straight for the door.  The Mass is pretty much over at that point anyway, and I’m sure the priest understands that you have your purse with you because you are worried about pick pockets and your coat is on because it is cold.)

Regardless, I know when to cut out of a Catholic church, and I had no clue here.  The singing had given way to the lead guitarist interjecting some bible verses followed by more singing.  The kind people get into, arms in the air and everything.  Finally the sermon, I wasn’t sure how long it would last or if there was anything scheduled after, but I was glad for the familiar. I knew it was the pastor because his name was prominently displayed on the drive-in sized screen behind the stage (there was no altar, only a stage and stage props and Mezzanine seating).

I was a bit skeptical going in, I’m still not sold on religions that are younger than I am (or even close).  And Northland appeared to be one of those non-denominational churches. Their mission is pretty much just to bring people to Christ…lots of people, close to 15,000.   This was the South, this was a mega church, two things that do not scream open mindedness.  But Northland’s pastor, Dr. Joel C. Hunter, has made a solid effort, focusing on social justice, environmental issues and even working with the Obama administration.  There was still a general feeling that if you don’t believe in Jesus you’ll have a less than comfortable eternity, but the preaching was pretty good.  Well the first 3/4 of it was pretty good, that is all the longer I lasted.  I figured an hour was long enough. If I had a program, or idea of the typical length, or even the sacrament of holy communion, I may have stayed longer, but I had places to be and no real idea how long we'd be there.  People were still coming into the building, and that was not a good sign for my post-church plans.  Granted they could have still been trekking in from parking lot 9 Purple.    

In summary, if you plan to attend Northland, get there early, or bring a doll or small stuffed animal to pass as a single parent, block off about 76 minutes and 55 seconds (I can only assume all the services are precisely that length), and get ready for a 50/50 blend of Christian rock and bible based preaching, and if that’s not your thing, just cross the street and put your money on Santa’s Little Helper. 

*we do always contribute to the collection.  I’ve explained to Brian that Jesus does not need a coupon for two for one at Lee’s Drycleaners or a free blooming onion with the purchase of an entree, so we typically give cash.