Week #19 Church of Christ Scientists

In 1866, Mary Baker Eddy took a pretty bad spill and prayed herself back to heath.  Then, as any logical person would do, she spun that into a book deal and a new religion.  A religion were Jesus is not only the Son of God, he is also a podiatrist, surgeon, gynecologist, and general practitioner.  Impressive right?  We’ll if you’d like to learn how one God can pull all of that off, you can read Mary’s book, Science and Health, I perused it during the service, and let me assure you it is jam packed with science and health.  I now have a solid foundation in quantum mechanics and know the difference between a zygote and a gamete. 

“Christian Science is sometimes confused with Scientology, faith healing, New Age practices, and Eastern religions. It has also been called un-Christian or labeled a cult. Actually, Christian Science is none of the above,” according to their website.  We’ve all seen a four-month-old copy of the Christian Science Monitor in the lobby of a Jiffy Lube or passed by a Christian Science reading room, but we deiced to learn more in week #19 Church of Christ Scientists Fairfax, VA.  

There is an episode of Family Guy where a little boy is visiting Stewie and falls really ill, Lois takes him to the hospital and learns he has some terrible yet curable disease.  When the little boy’s parents hear he is at the hospital they freak out and explain that they are Christian Scientists, and believe they can pray him to health.  Some other stuff happens-maybe Peter fights a giant chicken in a ridiculously extended combat scene or there is a cutaway to a Conway Twitty song.  Regardless, then the Griffin family kidnaps the boy to get him medical care, I think, and in the end Lois convinces the family that God had answered their prayer for their son’s health in the form of modern medicine.  Before today, that is about all we knew of Christian Science. 

The actual principles of the religion make sense.  They believe in the divine love of God, and the power of that love; as well as the concept that the laws of matter yield to the laws of the mind. Sidebar, none of this is new, Hindus came up with this philosophy thousands of years ago, but some white lady says it and Americans fall in line. Christian Science folks also believe that prayer results in healing because everyone is connected with God, and that God is wise and kind and would never cause sickness or sin.  Since God is all-powerful and ever present, why can’t he cure cancer?  It is not that far out there, but that seems to be the issue with a lot of religions.  They take some simple, believable truths (likely stolen from an ancient culture) about the nature of God and our existence and crazy it all up by taking it to the extreme.  I too agree that medicine is handed out like Skittles in the country, and doctors would be better off prescribing broccoli and jogging to 90% of their patients.  Trust me, Brian is so sick of me telling him to drink water every time he complains of a headache, but it works.  I will also never argue with the power of prayer or meditation (hell I’m at yoga four days a week), I think it works…just not on AIDS.  You need drugs to fix AIDS.  Do you think Magic Johnson just prayed more than 80% of the villagers in Zimbabwe…no!  He had money to buy drugs, that is why he now owns a chain of movie theatres and a portion of the LA Dodgers and a whole generation of Africans are dead.  That was harsh, but needed to make a point.  Health may take more than prayer…in our not so ultraistic society health takes money.  Money you can use to buy medicine, vegetables, and LA Fitness memberships. 

The actual service was not that crazy, unfortunately.  There was no new age healing or testimonials of how prayer mended a hernia. It was more a mixture of incredibly boring with a bit of creepy thrown in.  We were a minute or two late because I didn’t realize it took 28 minutes to get there until 25 minutes before the start.  The church was small, with just one aisle and maybe 15 rows of pews that sat about four people on either side.  I would have a better gauge of this, but Brian walked straight up to the second row for no real reason, so it was hard to observe anything going on behind us.  The walls were white and the altar had pillars and a wide podium, giving a 17^th century Puritan feel.  There was an organist who sat facing the altar and 3 other women on the altar, one standing and reading and two sitting in chairs.  All three were dressed in outfits that could safely belong to any of the past 3 decades.  Not in a bad or particularly good way, but in the sense that if I showed you a photo of them with no other context and asked you to guess what year it was taken a fair guess would be anything from 1984 to 1999 to 2013.  For all three of them, that is more the weird part, it was all three.

So when we took our nearly front row seats, the standing woman was readying from the bible.  Once that was done, it was silent prayer time-for a really long time, like long enough that we each looked up twice to make sure it was still silent prayer time, and it was.  That was followed by the Lord’s Prayer with a science twist.  A lot of services say the Lords Prayer, it’s a popular one, but in this service the parishioners would say one line of the prayer in unison and the woman at the altar would then provide the Christian Science translation.  Allow me to paint a literal picture:

All: “Our Father which art in heaven”

Lady in 80’s outfit: “Our Father-Mother God, all-harmonious”

All: “Hallowed be Thy name”

Lady in 80’s outfit: “Adorable One”

All: “Thy kingdom come”

Lady in 80’s outfit: “Thy kingdom is come; thou art ever-present”

… for the rest of the prayer.  It is from as they called her in the service “Ms. Baker Eddy’s” book.  Apparently she translated some parts of the bible. 

The prayer was followed by a hymn; the lady gave us the hymn number, like is typically done, but before the crowd stood to sing, she read the entire first verse.  Like “please open to #431 in your hymnal and now I will recite in a normal non-singing voice the first 10 lines you’re about to sing.”  Then we stood and sang it to traditional church organ music.  This was followed by church announcements, and then of course the weekly solo.  One of the two seated ladies stood from her chair and began an operatic solo in an octave I cannot even name.  She was wearing a knee length long sleeve royal blue knit dress with large gold buttons from the neck to the hem.  She was slender and tall making the dress seem boxy on her frame. As she nearly shattered the windows with each high note, all I could think was, is this dress from Nordstrom’s Spring collection or JC Penny’s Fall 1987 clearance rack…I couldn’t place it.  I know this is shallow, but her passion for the song and my second row seat for it somehow made me uncomfortable, and I deal with my insecurities by judging others so live with it.  Anyway, it was an intense solo, but my favorite part was that once she hit the last note she turned and immediately exited out of a door behind the altar.  She sat there for the first part of the service, preformed the first scene of an opera, and was out; no time for applause.  It was the church equivalent of dramatically dropping the mic, and I’m out! 

Then, I hate to say, it got boring. The Christian Science folks don’t believe there is any need for preaching or sermons apart from what is in the Bible and Mary Baker Eddy’s text, so for the next what felt like 3 hours, the third lady stood beside the other standing lady, and they alternated readings from the bible and Science and Health.  The bible readings focused on the miracle workings of Jesus, the loaves and fishes one, the bringing the man back from the dead…and so on.   There was also a focus on God’s love and all that jazz, but honestly I missed the alternative Christian rock of the local mega church.  I was hoping for something a bit more out there, I wanted some healing, but I guess if healing is just praying, they delivered. 

God’s love is powerful, I’m not denying that, but if I break my arm I’m still going to the hospital, and I’ll pray the ER waiting room is empty and free of TB, but bring on the morphine.  My seven minutes of web research indicates that Mary Barker Eddy would have followed my example. Evidently she was married 3 times, losing one husband to yellow fever, and although she couldn’t keep a husband she could keep down a pill.  Apparently she was addicted to morphine for a good chunk of her life and had her own kid vaccinated.  Even though the idea that Jesus can heal all ills seems to work for her 100,000 or so followers, at one point Mrs. Eddy sued the city where she fell- claiming she was "still suffering from the effects of that fall."  Indicating once again that money has the most healing power of all.  I’m not trying to pass judgment on Christian Science, they obviously have a very successful news publication, I’m just not sure I’d recommend sending your kind to a Christian Science summer camp, he may come home with yellow fever or polio.  

Week #18 Church Chili Cook-Off

Turns out that Sunday morning soccer does slightly limit the church going choices.  Today’s game was at 9:00am so that blocked off any church options from about 7:00am until noon.  Why so long, well there is really no writing project in the world that is worth being up with pants on before 7:00am on a Sunday, and even Jesus prefers followers who shower.  That left us with Friday or Saturday temple or any church that did a Sunday evening service, I know, I know, we’re already off to some pretty crappy planning for this project.  I guess it can only get better, but basing our church choice on the only p.m. service in our zip code pretty much kicked ass this week. 

Week #18, the Sunday we to an evening church service err I mean to a chili cook-off! 

In all fairness, this was not completely by design.  The church’s website did say there was a chili cook-off, but I assumed it was after the evening service.  But you know what happens when you assume…you skip boring church and just eat chili.  One misconception readers may have about this project is that we are mostly attending large churches where parishioners come and go, and new comers can just blend into the crowd.  To be honest, I shared this misconception after visiting World of Grace Christian Center’s website.  Perhaps it was the word “world” in the churches name, or the picture of the large building on the website, but I too was geared up for a relaxing hour of blending in followed by a nice bowl of chili in a crowded church hall.  But alas, an evening of minimal awkwardness was not in God’s master plan for the Sutos.  Half of the time, I get Brian to attend by assuring him we are headed for an awkwardness free event, and typically by the time we park he knows he’s been bamboozled.  There are a few telltale signs: are there less than 10 cars in the parking lot, is everyone Korean, are there Mitt Romney or worse “W” bumper stickers…  This time there was not a high volume of cars.  Not alarmingly low, but not particularly high. 

Once inside, the lobby was pretty empty. There was a balcony overlooking the lobby and a tall white guy standing at the top.  When we clearly did not know where we were going, he informed us that the chili was upstairs, but “we’re here for the service” I explained.  The acoustics were not great, so again he informed us that the chili was upstairs, and again, I said “we’re here for church.”  “Church is the chili cook-off tonight” he explained.  At this point leaving would have been way more rude than crashing a church chili cook-off, I think.  Regardless, we went upstairs and crashed a church chili cook-off. 

These folks didn’t mess around.  There was a chili king with a crown and cape and chili rating score cards.  The room had maybe ten or twelve six top tables with chips and salsa and even sombreros for centerpieces.  We sat with a lovely couple, probably my parent’s age, and began chili tasting.  All of the churches regulars thought it was hilarious that we happened to be visiting the church for the first time and it just happened to be the evening of their 21^st annual chili cookoff (little did they know).  I am not comfortable telling people directly that I’m collecting church experiences for a writing project, so I just explained that we committed to attending church each week, and my soccer game made us miss any a.m. service.  That was true enough, but I didn’t want them to think we were disappointed that we missed church, which we were not.  Plus they threw in some bible and chili trivia throughout the evening.  I got one question correct, and it was not the one about Mathew 7:10.  It was which city has more chili restaurants than McDonalds’.  I think I can list maybe 7 books in the bible-unless all of the apostle have their own book, then maybe 10.  Yes, I know there were 12 apostles.  What I’m saying is I can confidently name 8 of them plus Genesis and Exodus and I’m sure two more.  The point is, I did know that Cincinnati has more chili huts than golden arches, and I’m calling that a win.  

Oh and the best part, they played a game after dinner called “would you want it in your chili” or something to that effect.  Basically, they blindfolded 4 volunteers and made them stick their hands into containers with random items and determine whether or not the item would go in chili.  They had the cooked spaghetti noodles and other usual suspects, but the game organizer had balls.  There was also a container of live crickets and live goldfish.  Evidently, it is not that easy to identify living creatures from a bowl of wet grapes; one lady straight squished some crickets in her fingers.  It was pretty awesome. I’m sure their church services are great too, but we plan to wait until next year’s cook-off and pretend it was an accident again.  

Week #17 Ash Wednesday

Resurrection!  The rebirth of OneChurchAWeek.blogspot.com.  Both of my readers have asked “what happened to your one church a week project?”  Well it was a complicated personal situation revolving around two major life changing events.  One, I started playing soccer on Sunday mornings, and two about 6 months ago a soda spilled on the laptop.  So as you can guess these are two very shitty reasons to stop the project.  One, soccer games are about 90 minutes and often are played well after the regular church going time, also there are pretty much church services every half hour all day Sunday.  Two, the great coke spill didn’t actually ruin the computer, it just made the keys a little sticky, also we have another laptop, and Brian actually bought me a Mac book pro about 4 months ago.  So…like the golf clubs, skis, oil paints, jewelry making beads, tennis racket…one church a week went the way of all my collected hobbies, after about two months I closed the word document and took up yoga. 

The sad thing is there were so many good church opportunities that were missed because I was too lazy to keep this going.  We spent nearly the whole of November in Africa, just imagine the churches there!  Well you’ll have to because we didn’t bother to go, and I didn’t bother to write so I guess imagination is all I can offer.  Why the second coming…let’s face it, I can’t work in IT management forever.  I have to show up at an office 5 days a week, make decisions about things, deal with people...  What I need is a career as a professional author, with book advances and no alarm clocks.  Since I have no real literary skills, I need to focus on what I do have, a trendy gimmick that could be turned into a book or at least a solid pamphlet.  Here is the plan: spend a year really writing these-at least one a month- strip out the sarcasm and offensive language and sell the remaining seven words as a guide to local churches.  Game plan!

But why now?  Well, I had an appointment Wednesday morning in DC; I never go into the city during the week because other people are really awful at driving, and I like my suburbs.  Suburbs don’t have pretentious metro riders who think they are in Carl Rove’s inner circle because they interned at a K Street think tank last summer.  Suburbs also have free parking.   Anyway, I was just trying to blend in to the urban backdrop when a girl walked by with a smudgy black mark on her forehead.  Granted there are a lot of grimy homeless people in DC with street dirt on their faces, but this girl was walking upright and not laying over the warm steam of a sewer vent, so I realized it was Ash Wednesday.  That realization made me miss my one church a week.  I actually thought, maybe I should swing by a church right now and get this blog thing going again, but then I realized that girl with the ash smudged had not gone to church at all. 

As I turned the corner, just outside of the Foggy Bottom metro stop, they were just ashing people on the street, no church required.  At first I thought it was the Catholics, there was incense, and robes, and who else even cares about Ash Wednesday?…but no they would never be on the street, catering to the masses in this drive-by style holy day, but who then? Ah the Episcopalians…they look like Catholics from a block away but once you get closer the priest has a vagina and in this case likely a girlfriend.  I tried to craft how I would get more than three sentences out of this encounter, but no, I figured I would do this for real…at least this week. 

 Week # 17 St. John Neumann Catholic Community

What a great day and time to start back up, the Pope just quit, and I can knock a week out without waking up early on a Sunday.  I called Brian right away to fill him in on the plans.  I decided to go Catholic for a few reasons, one we had not officially blogged about a Catholic Church, two I actually love the Ash Wednesday gospel, three who else even cares about Ash Wednesday?  After work, one of us went to yoga, the other went to happy hour and we met up for church at 7:30.  So there is one thing you need to know about my husband, he has a tiny winy little baby princess bladder.  It is not his fault, it is genetic, my brother-in-law is much worse, but that is irrelevant because after three 20oz Blue Moons I knew there was no way he could make it through an hour long service.  I was right, he didn’t even make it to the pew before the first rest stop.  We were already barely on time, and now we had to deal with my least favorite church goer of all, the aisle sitter.  There is a whole long pew, the place is filling up, why are you sitting on the end, making everyone awkwardly squeeze by you, stepping on your toes and straining to avoid rubbing against you.  Just move in, go to the middle, because I’m watching you, and you NEVER leave early.  I had to uncomfortably slide by, I had to make the awkward decision between facing you and risking biscuit on biscuit contact or facing away like I’m boxing you out for a rebound, and then you have the nerve to stay until the 4^th verse of the closing hymn…seriously.   It was even worse because I knew Brian would need a potty break half way through this, and now we were stuck in the middle.  We typically arrive late, leave early, and skip communion; we deserve the aisle.

So the service, if you’ve been to one Catholic mass you’ve been to them all, but if not here’s what your missing: it starts with a procession of 3-4 children in white robes carrying candles and a crucified Jesus on a long pole, followed by men in robes holding up a giant bible.  Once they reach the altar there is a series of sitting and standing and sayings and responses and prayers that have been roughly the same since the services were first translated into English, I think the 1960s.  If you’ve been as a guest it likely can be pretty awkward because everyone seems to know when to stand, when to kneel, and what to say just like perfect little sheep.  Turns out it is now also awkward for sporadic or prodigal Catholics too.  Why?  Because before he decided to up and quit, the current pope also decided to change the words in some of the responses, yes the ones I just said had been “roughly” the same for 50 years.  All this change does is help the “good Catholics” separate themselves from the Christmas and Easter (or in this case Ash Wednesday) Catholics, and we fell right into the trap.  We blurted out what was clearly an outdated response in perfectly audible voices that just seemed to carry from the middle pew to both ends.

The pope may have changed the responses, but he didn’t change the reading that is done every Ash Wednesday, and honestly, I like the message. In short it goes something like:  pray in private, give to the poor in private, fast in private and God will provide your reward.  You don’t need to run around in the street and proclaim to all that you are praying or fasting or giving. This is pretty much a complete paradox to the concept of walking around all day with a gray cross on your face, proving that you prayed, went to church, and plan to fast.  What is that logic?

So why the ashes, according to the bible, Jesus spent 40 days fasting in the desert, where he endured temptations by the devil. So this really does nothing to explain the ashes, but it is all I know.  I’m not sure where or even if the ashes are in the bible, but it is my understanding that they serve as a reminder and celebration of human mortality. Ash Wednesday marks the beginning of this 40-day period where Christians are asked to fast, except not on Sundays I think, apparently those don’t count. Oh and not real fasting, such as Ramadan, it is more like a New Year’s resolution, but only for 40 days. You can give up soda for Lent or chocolate; it is not like eating nothing from sunrise to sunset, plus it is only 6 days of the week. Like all aspects of religion, this all makes perfect sense when you just don’t think about it:  Jesus got lost in the sand for a month so we put some ashes on our heads and eat a filet o’fish every Friday for a month.  I find it is best not to ask questions, but I’m sure you’re wondering where they get the ashes.  Just so you’re clear they are not actually from dead people; the ashes are typically gathered from the burning of the palms from the previous year's Palm Sunday. 

So there we were, in line to get some charred palms smeared on our heads while the choir droned out the single verse song “be merciful oh Lord for we have sinned” for 20 straight minutes.  If that was not up lifting enough, I make it to the front and the dude with the ashes-I think he was a deacon- looks me right in the eye and says “repent and believe in the gospel,” and then smeared an ash shaped cross on my head.  I don’t even think that is what they are supposed to say, I think he heard me get the response wrong early on and knew I was a hedon.  It was almost eerie; it seemed so directed.  He looked right at me and told me to “repent and believe in the gospel,” shouldn’t that be a given if I was at the church, how did he know?  I could have sworn they typically said something about the ashes, that would make sense right?  Maybe I was reading too much into this, maybe he says that to everyone. So I whispered to Brian:

 “What did the guy say when he put the ashes on your head?”

“Peace be upon you, may you live vicariously.” 

“What?! There’s no way he said that, that is not even a sentence, are you still drunk!”

“I’m not drunk, I’m tipsy, and I have to pee.”

“Wait until after communion.”

“There is not communion on Ash Wednesday.”

“I’m pretty sure there is.”

“Why wouldn’t they have done it with the ashes, we were already in line once.  Six Sigma in this bitch.”

“Wow.”

For about 6 minutes while Brian took his second bathroom break, I seriously debated repenting and believing the gospel, but I like shrimp, and gay people, and science, and historical context.  So I’ll stick with the blog and maybe give up coffee for the next 40 days.

Week #16 Hare Krishna

I’m sure you thought the Hare Krishna’s were just jobless hippies who hang out on campus quads handing out copies of the Kama sutra. Well sort of, I’m sure, but it is a real religion too, a kinda old one.  Oh and before you get your hopes up, that book with the blue guy on the cover is actually not the Kama Sutra it is more likely a mediation guide, something written by Bhaktivedanta Swami or the Bhagavad Gita.  Bhaga-what, is that like the “extraction of the lotus flower” or the “reverse Taj Mahal?”  Sorry to disappoint, but it is actually a 5,000 year old, 700-verse scripture that contains a conversation between an Indian prince and Lord Krishna on a variety of theological and philosophical issues.  Just putting that out there so we’re clear. 

The origin of the Hare Krishnas (International Society for Krishna Con-sciousness or ISKCON) dates back to the fifteenth century A.D., when Chaitanya Mahaprabhu developed The Doctrines of Krishnaism from the Hindu sect of Vishnuism.  This is a lot of “ism’s”, but basically one believed that Vishnu, the Supreme God, manifested himself at one time as Krishna, and the other taught the reverse: Krishna was the chief God who had revealed himself at one time as Vishnu. Oh and if the name “Krishna” didn’t tip you off, we’re talking about the later.  Since my blog is huge in Rajasthan, I am sure this needs no further explanation, but just incase. Krishna is a deity, like Jesus or the Jewish God, and much like one of the aforementioned, Krishna came to earth as a human baby to liberate the devotees.  Since this is not intended to be a encyclopedia of world religions, I’ll only answer the most burring question you likely have about all of this:  why is the Indian Jesus blue? Nope it is not the result of some expired butter chicken, eating outside of a Western hotel, or accidently swallowing the tap water.  Krisha could be blue because all great things on earth are blue, sky, water, Beyonce and Jay-Z’s wonder baby…In Hinduism great people with the ability to fight evil are often blue, so that is likely why he is blue.  So at least we all learned something today. 

Apart from blue baby gods, Hare Krishnas also believe that all existing things go back to a source that is distinct from them, and as part of this system every individual must go through a series of successive lives, yup reincarnation.  You could come back to life as a cow, a British royal, a reality show star, a house cat…all depending on how big of a douche you were in the last life.  Then you get a chance to be a little less douchey and a little less… and in about 17 lifetimes the cast of Jersey Shore will be the cast of Celebrity Rehab season 7.  And that I feel is an accurate summary of the concept of reincarnation.

Hare Krishna’s first showed up on the American radar in the 60s and henceforth were confused with the hippie counter culture.  Or so Wikipedia tells me, I was not alive for any of that, and our formal introduction to the faith came on a muggy summer afternoon on a patch of grass just outside of the Baltimore Inner Harbor in 2012.  In what I like to call week #16 Hare Krishna!

We’d gone to Baltimore because we had never been, and when Brian couldn’t find a deal on Groupon or Living Social for the aquarium and is too cheap to pay the $35 admission, we we’re out of things to do by about 11:30am.  So we were pretty much sitting ducks for the “free meditation” session being offered.  Here is how Hare Krishna meditation works:  You sit on folding chairs in a public park, hold a string of 109 wooded prayer beads between your thumb and middle finger-this is important, you don’t use your index finger because that finger is used to point and accuse, then you repeat a prayer or mantra for each of the beads.  It is just like a rosary only with no dead guy hanging off of the end, and the mantra is said out loud.  So there we sat, in public, chanting the following out loud 109 times:

The Maha Mantra:

Hare Krishna Hare Krishna

Krishna Krishna Hare Hare

Hare Rama Hare Rama

Rama Rama Hare Hare

This should not be that difficult in any circumstance, I mean after the 30^th time you should pretty much have it down, even if you’ve never heard of Krishna and you thought a hare was a rabbit.  To make it even easier, they gave us a sheet with the mantra printed on it to help.  Yet for some reason I still managed to goof it up, even when we were halfway around the Indian rosary.  Regardless, I must confess, it was relaxing.  The whole meditation thing only took about 10 minutes, but it did seem to deliver me to a calmer state of mind.  I say if you’ve got 109 beads laying around or you’re a strong widdler make yourself a prayer strand and get to chanting; it was worth it.  That said, here is why I could never be a Hare Krishna also why I doubt most hippies could either:

• ·       They don’t smoke weed- just to be clear, that is not why I could not be a Hare Krishna, that one if for the hippies, the rest are more Jen applicable.
• ·       The don’t drink coffee
• ·       They don’t drink red wine or craft beer (or other alcohol, but neither do I…that often)
• ·       They don’t eat meat
• ·       They don’t have sex except to make little Hare Krishnas

There may have been other rules too, but those were enough for me.